36 weeks! NINE months! (part 1)

WoW! Now I'm at that stage where I'm ready to be done being pregnant, overly excited to meet this little person, and slightly terrified about what's headed my way anyday now:) And completely overwhelmed with emotion. I'm pretty good at turning my emotions off when the situation calls for it. The whole time we planned and prepared for my sister's wedding, I just pushed the emotions away, even during the ceremony I was able to hold it together...and then came the Father-daughter dance to the song "I loved her first" by Heartland (http://heartlandband.com/). I completely lost it. Uncontrollable tears and emotions, it didn't help that I was 21 weeks pregnant and we chose not to find out the gender. So all I could think about was 1) that was my baby sister and my daddy dancing on her wedding day and how happy/excited/sad I was and 2) someday it could be Ryan and our daughter dancing at her wedding.

Today is the day I'm losing it over Baby B:)! Up until this day I feel like I've put off getting too emotionally invested. It's scary...the more you love the more you can be hurt. Why today? For a couple of reasons. First, both my baby showers are over. I really don't like being the center of attention and opening presents in front of a group of people just staring at you. Not my favorite thing...so its easier for me if I just turn off the emotions and get through it. That's not to say I'm not grateful and don't feel loved, its just the way I cope and keep from getting overwhelmed. So tonight I sat down and actually read the cards that came with the gifts. And I am left feeling completely and utterly unworthy of such love and support. God is so good and has blessed my life with such an amazing circle of women who have so graciously loved me through some serious personal growth and are just as excited to welcome and love Baby B. I don't even know where to begin to thank everyone and God. I think my biggest hope is to pass the blessings along- how can you not love others lavishly when God has so lavishly blessed you?!

Secondly, today and tonight I have been reminded that Baby B is not mine to keep. That God gives us our children in his timing and for his timing. I spoke with a MOPS mom today who patiently waited 9 years between her two sons and relied on the verse 1 Samuel 1:27 "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him". Two emotional prayer requests today (also at MOPS) got me thinking, one for a pair of sisters-in-laws who were in a car accident together. One 36 weeks pregnant, is okay. One 8 weeks pregnant has a fractured spine...and they can't perform surgery for fear of anesthesia harming the baby...this family has a long road ahead of them to protect both lives. The second prayer request I didn't know much about but was directed to facebook for details. This family's son was born via c-section early because of brain damage. So far he has proven doctor's wrong and lived 6 days! Baby Carson's parents, sister and family members are gratefully and prayerfully living and loving day by day. (For more information and updates, Team Carson has a facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=142155412465950)

So here I am, at 36 weeks. The same point that a friend lost her baby girl a year and a half ago and I find myself completely and uterly unable to keep the emotions "off". I know I will spend the rest of my life praying everyday for the health and safety of Baby B and I pray too that I will hold this child with open hands, trusting that God loves them even more than I can and that HE is LOVE. He will hold us, the Barcis, in his hands and provide for us all that we need in every moment- He's just that amazing! I am loved by The King- what a deep and abiding peace that comes with that knowledge.