Mommy sentiments

Griffin,

I want to tell you so much but you keep me so busy that I find its hard to take the time to write it down as it happens or as I think about it, so I'm going to try and write you the occasional letter full of my rambling thoughts! This is as much for you as it is for me. It's already been ten weeks since we got to meet you and I know time is just going to go faster and faster and life will get busier and busier and I'm going to forget all these precious little moments we're having.

First, I want to let you know just how much I love you! So much it overwhelms me. And this has caught me off guard. I have loved on babies for as long as I can remember, babysitting, working in the church nursery and any other chance I got- I took it. And when I was younger, I used to picture myself as a mommy all the time. But the older I got and the more I loved teaching...the more I started to think I was happy without kids of my own. Your daddy agreed...for awhile. Then one day last summer he came home and out of the blue told me he was ready for kids. Right now. I think I almost passed out! He wasn't allowed to change his mind so suddenly. But Griffin Miles, I am so, so, so happy he did! I can't imagine my life without you and I have never loved anything as much as I love being your mommy! You are hands down the best gift I have ever received. Everyday, for the rest of my life, I will thank God for the opportunity to know you, love you and be your mommy. I've had to face a lot of fear while pregnant with you and in your first 10 weeks- I don't know how I could survive losing you. But God and I have sort of reached an agreement. I will cherish every day, every moment he chooses to let me spend with you...and he'll take care of me (and you) no matter what happens. I want you to know that too, just in case I have to leave you before I'm ready (which will be never). God is good and he loves you more than I ever could. Trust in Him. It's a lesson I've learned the long and hard way and one I hope you learn easily. But if you don't, if it takes you the long and hard path too- that's okay. There is nothing you could do to make me (or Him) love you less.

It's really all the little things I don't want to ever forget. And I want to be able to remember them when you leave for college, get married, and have kids of your own. The little sweet noises you make while sleeping next to me. That's right...you ended up sleeping in our bed! I wasn't planning on that. We had your crib all set up and a bassinet in our room. I wasn't going to be one of "those" parents. But then you were here. And hungry. And I was so tired (I hadn't slept in 3 days...you little stinker)! So I quickly learned how to feed you laying down in bed (I was so tired I was falling asleep feeding you while sitting up...and I was afraid I would drop you). And then, when we got home from the hospital...I just couldn't put you away from me. Cuddled up next to you I could feel your breath and know you were okay. It certainly made feeding you every 2-3 hours much easier on me too! At 10 weeks, I'm looking forward to sleeping 5-6 hours straight soon...trust me, you'll like it too!

When you wake up for the day, I know you're done for the night because you're not hungry anymore. And you stretch and make the most awesome faces. Your daddy and I almost always start our day with laughter because of you. You arch your back and put your arms above your head and purse your lips. We can tell you're thinking..."but I'm so warm and cozy, I don't want to wake up". I know this because you sleep exactly like me and that's what I think every morning when I wake up!

Breastfeeding is a shockingly strange and yet fabulous experience. I love that I'm still growing you! I love the cuddle time we get. You are quite the voracious eater. You can put on quite the show....both of your grandma's love to get to watch you root and snort and choke and then greedily go back for more. When I feed you in public, I sometimes have to apologize for your noisiness! But don't worry- no one is actually upset, you can make anyone laugh! You've started "kneading" me with your hands while you eat...and I just love it! Although sometimes you tickle me and I actually jerk around or even laugh. You've also started drooling A LOT and chewing on your fingers and I worry that you'll get teeth really early and bite me and I'll have to wean you before I'm ready. Motherhood has been nothing but full of surprises for me. Now that you're here, I hope to feed you as long as possible...and by that I mean I would love to be nursing you to sleep until you're two. But I know you'll have a say in that and I have a feeling you're going to loose interest before then. You have such an observant personality...and you love to move. My guess is you'll wean yourself about the time you are walking, you won't have time for cuddles anymore. I never thought that the thought of weaning would make me sad kiddo. You have quite a hold on my heart little man!

You just had your 2 month check up and you got two vaccines (Hib and DTaP). I have agonized over books and the decision to vaccinate or not. I want you to know that I made the best decisions I could based on the information we have now. Who knows what the research will show in 10 or 20 years. You are my most precious "possession" and I want to protect you from all harm...who really knows if the vaccines are doing more harm than good? You cried, no it was screaming, for so long after your shots. I've decided not to continue the Pertussis part of the DTaP vaccine because crying for more than 3 hours can be an indicator that you're allergic to that vaccine...and the reactions tend to get worse with each round. It wasn't until the next morning that I could even feed you on my left side, your leg hurt you that bad. I cried too seeing you in so much pain.

Griffin Miles, in 10 short weeks you have completely changed who I am. I no longer care about myself first. Getting married to your daddy sure showed me how selfish I can be at times. But with you (right now) its just so easy for me to put myself second. And I want to be a better person because of you! I want to eat healthy and exercise and pursue God because of you! I've lost interest in all my TV shows, my computer games, and even the edge of my type-A personality has softened. Now I just sit with you. For hours at a time. I feed you, talk to you, play with you...and I don't miss the other stuff! And that is not normal for me!

I have such big hopes and dreams for you. I hope and dream that you discover what you're passionate about at an early age and leave a positive impact on the world around you. Like a pebble thrown into a lake, I dream that the ripples you send out into the world lead to great things! I will do everything in my power to help you along the way and I will always be on your side. And I pray that you will come to know Christ and that he will lead you throughout whatever is laid out for you. I can not fathom the kind of love that sacrifices an only son for you and me, strangers and sinners. As much as I love you...God loved us MORE. He loved us enough, to sacrifice his only son...someday, you'll have children and this will boggle your mind as well!

I LOVE YOU GRIFFIN!

(Thanks for sleeping while I wrote this...but you're waking now! I'll write you again soon)

~Mommy

PS. Your cry and sad face are the sweetest things! When you were first born your little cry sounded like a bird to me. You've already outgrown that! But now you stick your lower lip out and just sound so sad. Sometimes I even let you cry just so I can hear it and watch you. But then I scoop you up and do what I can to make you happy again!